I am finally trying to live. I'm not saying that I've been dead these last 19 years, but instead, that I haven't felt REALLY alive until lately. I've been going through life just getting by, and trying to do what I should to keep it that way. Now? I'm trying to be the person I want to be and live life the way I want to (however that may be.) I want to lead my life for me and not revolving around my friends, boyfriends, obligations, anyone/anything else.
"I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam." - Popeye
I tend to give people the same advice, but ever seem to follow it myself. I tell them to do what they want, and not to worry about anyone else. If you can't be happy, how do you expect to make anyone else happy? Take care of yourself first. In recent months, I've been trying to do that. I've been trying to put myself before others when need be, but continue to think that it's harder for me than it seems. Turns out, it really isn't. I just make it hard. For those of you who really know me, that's not that big of a surprise. I like to do things the hard way sometimes because it makes it more interesting. Lately, it seems like I was incredibly wrong. Life is interesting if you just SIMPLY live. Go figure. Stop worrying and stressing over the little things that don't matter and just let yourself live. This is what I've been trying to do, and it's actually working out really well for me.
I'm really indecisive. To the point where I tell people that they should just decide some things for me, and if I don't like the idea 110%, then I'll decide it's not the good idea. I'm trying to get better at that, especially when it comes to life changing ones. I've been wanting to get out of Pueblo, CO in recent months, and go to someplace new. But I've been changing my mind. I keep claiming that it's because it's so easy for me to get in trouble here, but it's even easier for me to just change things so I don't get in trouble. So that's what I'm going to do.
I'm also very indecisive about my future, too. All I know is that I want to go to school. I miss learning and knowing things. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I should go to school to be a mechanic, though. I have finally embraced my secret love for cars and my curiosity for their complexity, so I want to learn and know more. On the other hand, is that what I'm meant to do? Is my fate to be covered in oil and grease and other strangely good smelling fluids? Is it to fix and play with man's greatest (and my favorite) accomplishment? Even if they continue to get more and more complex and change so radically? Just because I have a passion for it, doesn't mean it should my main focus. Or does it?
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