"There's a hole in your foot, dear Miranda, dear Miranda."

I've been thinking about mentors and people touch your soul in a way that others haven't. One in particular is a wonderful person by the name of Olivia Brownlee (oliviabrownlee.com).

I met Miss Brownlee years and years ago at Ross Point Camp, a home away from home that I spent my life growing up at. She was a counselor, of course, and a damn fine one at that. She was crazy, and wild, and seemed to have a few nuts a little looser than most. But she inspired me all the same. I picked up rather quickly on that she seemed completely happy being that way and realized that I could be that happy, if only I just stopped feeling embarrassed by being me. I've spent everyday since trying to perfect the art of being an idiot, no matter what the circumstances. One of my best memories is with her, at this camp, merely a few weeks before I became a resident of this *uhm* fair state of Colorado.




It was the middle of the night, and I remember crying outside because it had hit me that everything I knew, I was about to leave behind. I had forgotten what it was like to start over, and it was starting to scare me, way more than I was willing to admit. If you know anything about me, you know that I despise when I cry, and even more so when anyone is around. Well, this wasn't an exception. I'm a real fan of keeping my cool and not showing specific emotions. And I was balling. Being surrounded by people being concerned for my mental status, I remember Olivia rushing in front of me, hugging me and saying, "It's good to know you really are human!" In which, we began to talk about how I can't always be strong and  have it together any percent of the time. Everyday, I think of that phrase. And everyday, I try to prove my humanity to myself.


While I was counseling at Quaker Ridge last week, I began to think about how I could be just as awesome to those campers as Olivia (and many other counselors) were to me. I was there with two of my old campers from my cabin two years before, Courtney and Paige. Courtney was a camper at the high school level that week, and Paige was a counselor at the elementary level, with me. Throughout the week, I got to see different sides of them and realized how it was I influenced them even the slightest bit. I ended up getting to talk to the middle schoolers, too, about some personal stuff, and realized that I entered (more like invaded) their lives for only a few minutes and still hit them upside the head with some stuff. I realized that no matter what I do in life, that's the thing I wanna do most. Yes, hit people upside the head (mentally and physically).

A New Start?

To whom it may concern: Hi! Thanks for stopping by. I honestly appreciate it. Let's cut to the chase:

I am finally trying to live. I'm not saying that I've been dead these last 19 years, but instead, that I haven't felt REALLY alive until lately. I've been going through life just getting by, and trying to do what I should to keep it that way. Now? I'm trying to be the person I want to be and live life the way I want to (however that may be.) I want to lead my life for me and not revolving around my friends, boyfriends, obligations, anyone/anything else. 

"I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam." - Popeye

I tend to give people the same advice, but ever seem to follow it myself. I tell them to do what they want, and not to worry about anyone else. If you can't be happy, how do you expect to make anyone else happy? Take care of yourself first. In recent months, I've been trying to do that. I've been trying to put myself before others when need be, but continue to think that it's harder for me than it seems. Turns out, it really isn't. I just make it hard. For those of you who really know me, that's not that big of a surprise. I like to do things the hard way sometimes because it makes it more interesting. Lately, it seems like I was incredibly wrong. Life is interesting if you just SIMPLY live. Go figure. Stop worrying and stressing over the little things that don't matter and just let yourself live. This is what I've been trying to do, and it's actually working out really well for me. 

I'm really indecisive. To the point where I tell people that they should just decide some things for me, and if I don't like the idea 110%, then I'll decide it's not the good idea. I'm trying to get better at that, especially when it comes to life changing ones. I've been wanting to get out of Pueblo, CO in recent months, and go to someplace new. But I've been changing my mind. I keep claiming that it's because it's so easy for me to get in trouble here, but it's even easier for me to just change things so I don't get in trouble. So that's what I'm going to do. 

I'm also very indecisive about my future, too. All I know is that I want to go to school. I miss learning and knowing things. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I should go to school to be a mechanic, though. I have finally embraced my secret love for cars and my curiosity for their complexity, so I want to learn and know more. On the other hand, is that what I'm meant to do? Is my fate to be covered in oil and grease and other strangely good smelling fluids? Is it to fix and play with man's greatest (and my favorite) accomplishment? Even if they continue to get more and more complex and change so radically? Just because I have a passion for it, doesn't mean it should my main focus. Or does it?